I Was Already A Cynic

I was going through some of my old documents in a desperate search for something to help me out with a paper I'm supposed to be writing instead of blogging, and I ran across this from Freshman year. It's pretty damn classic.

Rules for living in a dorm:
1. All hours of the night are game for playing music. Everyone wants to hear "Yeah" by Usher and "Get Low" by the East Side Boys at all times. These songs never get old, especially at ten decibels.
2. Any phone call recieved by your roomate must be within the hours of 12-4am, or 6-9am. These are prime hours in which to tell your friends how wasted you really are, who you made out with, and how much you hate "that guy who made fun of me so I dumped beer on him". Respect for your roomate is not needed, because they are sleeping. Also, feel free to make out with whomever you choose because once again, your roomate is sleeping. And trying desperately not to move. And silently cursing you.
3. RAs have no real authority. Sure, they can write you up, but here at Colorado State, you can have seven strikes and still run drunkenly through the halls, yelling "Fuck the po-lice!" The campus cops, however, are lonely older kids on power trips...and they should still be feared. Nonetheless, a short, "How's it going?" will usually throw them off. Sober kids don't cower in fear. Or so they think.
4. Any fight between yourself and your roomate must be over the following: Laundry piles, shoe piles, liquor bottles, emptying the trash, cleaning the shot glasses, playing music too loud, owning or buying anything consisting of pineapples, and still being drunk in the morning.
5. RamRide is the best invention to happen within the one hundred plus years of this fair university. If stranded at a party, it can be utilized to take you back to the dorms. And then again after you've all decided to go back out. And got stranded again.
6. Power hour, although possible, makes freshmen girls unbutton their pants and talk about inane things, such as, "He is such an asshole. That still didn't stop me from making out with him when my roomate was asleep. But he's still an ass."
7. Some times it is necessary to mark how many shots you've had somewhere on your person. A favorite place may be the wrist, and when you've woken up, you'll look like a hungover suicidal prom queen.
8. Your high school friends may not like your college friends. Get used to the fact that CU parties and CSU parties are different. At CSU we use clean needles.
(Just kidding)
9. Cameras are a necessity. You need something to document your night, something you can exclaim when looking at them later, "Oh my god! I don't remember throwing up on that sofa! I puked on the other one though. I was SO wasted!"
10. Everyone needs a nickname. Even if it's your real name shortened with -y on the end of it, be proud. If you don't have one, you ain't shit.
11. The experiences you have in college are going to be something that you'll remember for the rest of your life. Or not. Remember: McCormicks is like water, Keystone is great, anyone who drinks Corona is a baller, smoking cigarettes when you're drunk is "cool", getting booze all over your face from the ice luge is awesome, if there's no keg it's not worth going to, whoever has the biggest car gets to drive 9 people at once, and um...what was your name again?