Facebook, It's Not Me, It's You

Oh, hey Facebook. Good to see you again, kind of. I just wanted to get you alone and, well, maybe you could shut the fuck up a little bit.

Listen, I didn’t get you at first. I thought you were a weird place where I was supposed to join groups that my friends were in, like, “Bonin’ in the Library!” and “I love Frosted Flakes!”. Which I did not and I do not, respectively. Then you added photos, and it pretty much spiraled out of control from there. There are 1,948 photos of me on there, Facebook. I’m not exaggerating, either. This is not my fault. This is yours. Where else can you post 60 pictures of one night and have it be acceptable? You know where. And really, is it necessary? No. The answer is no, it is not.

We’ve really got to talk about this whole “relationship status” thing, too. Cause, honestly, kill me. I’ve been in a platonic Facebook relationship with my (girl)friend Meatball for about two years now. But still, it doesn’t calm the pang of crazy that I get whenever I see that an ex of mine has a new girlfriend. Not at all. So maybe we should all keep it to ourselves, right Facebook?

Oh, and the People You May Know feature? Maybe you should rename it to People From High School That I Will Probably Never Friend Ever. Because I won’t. If I’m not friends with them through the Facebookverse, then we’re probably not aware enough of each other to become fake internet friends.

While I’ve got you here, maybe we could chat about statuses. They’re like AIM away messages from the future, right? Because I guess Dave Matthews quotes still apply to some people. Having things like “FINALZ R HARD” run from my eyes to my brain is difficult for me. People are dicks, Facebook. People are dicks with nothing to say, and giving them a platform on which to say nothing is a bad idea.

I mean, I love you. I really do – quit whimpering, you’ll fry your servers. Listen, I just think it would be nice if I could quit you. But I can’t, Facebook. I just can’t quit you.

This is the truth.

Kevin: finding a job is a lot like how guys hit on girls
you need about 100 prospects to get 1 result

Ah Man...

This is actually really, really sad. Apparently, at the beginning of her pregnancy, Jamie Lynn Spears started gaining weight and wasn't sure why, so she begged her mom to get plastic surgery in order to shed the pounds:

"She didn't know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure," a second source reveals. "Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient."..."Any form of liposuction is dangerous and should not be performed on a pregnant woman," plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Burton tells Star. "It poses serious health risks to the fetus."

Why a mother would let her young daughter get surgery instead of just letting her work it off naturally is beyond me.

Ted?

I mean, I knew it was happening, and the guy has to retire sometime, but I've got to say how not excited I am for Jimmy Fallon to take over for Conan O'Brien on Late Night. I mean, I don't really watch it, because I live a sad, boring life, and go to bed early, but I adore Conan and his quick wit. And sure, I used to loooove Jimmy Fallon when he was on SNL, but that was only because I was going through puberty and loved every boy ever when I was 12. Anyways, I was watching this "vlog" that he made in order to get people ready to watch him giggle thoughtlessly for the next few years, and I was so confused why Ted from How I Met Your Mother was on the screen. Seriously. I knew it was Jimmy Fallon and everything, but I was struck by how little I had seen him since he left Saturday Night Live. God, maybe he can do some stunt double work for the guy who plays Ted or something if Late Night bombs.

Recaps

I know I've been plugging these recaps forever, but they're so amazing you guys! Like this one, I snorted. I laughed so hard that I snorted.

"Um. Oh, yeah. Spencerina [ed note: this is Richard's nickname for Spencer's sister, Stephanie]. She was dating this guy named Cameron who I think works in the professional idiot business. I think he's a top executive, actually. Corner office. Idiot secretary, idiot copy machine. Just wall to wall idiots. So that's nice for him. It's nice to work with like-minded people. But Spencerina was having problems. You see she can't quite figure out the alchemy that is Getting Airtime. Should she be dating? Not dating? Friendly with Spencer? Not friendly? Lauren's homegirl? A whispery snitch? You want the cold hard truth, Spencerina? Frankly, be prettier. There's no real science here, my love. It's just that simple (and that hard). Also maybe learn how to express a coherent mind grape. Just in general. For general life's sake.Anyway she ended up trying to cry when she dumbly broke it off with Cameron, Idiot at Law.

So that was a scene that happened on this show once. I like to think that the people who cobble this little shitshow together are just like doing each other's hair and smoking cigarettes and drinking sangria at this point and not really paying attention to the fact that the experience of watching the show has become something like walking slowly through a carwash. If they are trying, like really hard, to make f'ing Spencerina interesting, well then shame on them."

These recaps, as a commenter noted, give you the gift of 28 extra minutes in which to live your life. I mean, if you aren't parked in front of your TV anyway.